This is an excerpt from my novel, By Wingéd Chair, one in a series of posts in which I try to show how I use disabilities in my writing. Click here for my intro to the series.
This passage comes directly after last week’s excerpt. Merry is still getting used to traveling with Lans, Vira-we, and Whyn.
I tried to ignore Whyn and wheeled myself closer to Vira-we’s pile of blankets. From there I could lean down and tumble off the chair and onto the ground. Down was easy. Getting back up, however, was going to be the problem.
I suppressed a grimace when I realized I’d have to sleep in my damp clothes. Ick.
Before I rolled over, I caught Whyn’s pained expression out of the corner of my eye. I turned my back on him and curled up as small as I could. What was with him, anyway? When I tried to talk to him, he was downright mean, and he kept giving me these funny looks, like the mere sight of me gave him indigestion. I couldn’t help it if I made people uncomfortable, but I wished they would keep their awkwardness to themselves. It wasn’t my job to always smooth things over.
His contempt was excruciating. Whyn was the mage. His good opinion meant so much to me, even though I’d just met him. I’d spent most of my life learning every spell anyone could teach me. But if Whyn was so disgusted by me, what would the mages at the University think?
What did it matter? I hated him. I hated them all.
I waited until the others had settled for the night and Vira-we’s breathing was slow and steady behind me, before I let the tears trickle down my face. It was easy to sob without noise. I’d had a lot of practice, after all.
Ooo, lots of goodies in this passage. Something I’ve noticed about Merry this early in the story is how self-absorbed she is in her misery. She’s frustrated and she’s bitter, and right now, it’s easier for her to continue on that way, so she does. Whyn has his own issues and reasons for those “funny looks”, but to Merry, they are clearly about her. She and Whyn clash so spectacularly and misunderstand so much about each other. Neither of them is blameless, but they’re each going to have to move past their own problems in order to see the rest of the world.
Pain can give us blinders so all we see is our own suffering. It can also give us an insight into the suffering of others. I know that when I’m hurting I tend to only see myself, and I have to make a conscious effort to move away from that self-absorption and see that my pain is not only not the most important thing going on, it’s not even a drop in the bucket compared to the pain of those around me. I hope that in the future I can remember that.
As always, comments and criticisms are appreciated. What did you think? What did you like, what did you dislike? Did I accomplish what I set out to do?